im juz writing this email after much thoughts. it hurts though that i hav to let it out here. to tell the truth, i dunno wats happening now. seriously. btwn us. for all i noe both of us have egos. too much ego that none juz wants to compromise. but right now. im burning evrythink. evry sgl egos that i have. becoz im wakin up my bloody mind alr.
watever u have told me, are safely kept. evry sgl convo. evry sgl emails, evry sgl msges. all for me to view them back. i cried. its hurtful. becoz all the past emails u wrote to me all doesnt mirror the 'u' now. so am i suppose to say or ignore? well. nvrmnd. evrybody change. evrybody wants to lead their life the way it is. so im wrg, to have really trusted u. putting all faith in u. believing that ur my one n only bestfrends i have hu truly understnds me. becoz all that was juz 'a moment in time'. its juz so common sense right. that wen ppl are down, u go to them, give them the best out of evrythink hopin they wld feel better. hahahaha.. thats so u now.
but for me, i dunno bt im proud to say that, i dun lyk 'that' issue of handling frends that way. once i say it, id totally mean it.
a frend once wrote me this. i dunno if that particular person rmbrs?? nvrmnd. its private anyway.
Hello Amirah,
Actually I wanted to write this email for you, sometimes back. But you know, me and my lame excuses, I never really had the time to pen down the exact thoughts of what I've been wanting to tell you.
First of all, I will like to thank you, for everything that you had done for me - with and without me asking. Always. Without failure. So it hurts to know (I know you know what I'm talking about) that I can never be the friend you wanted me to be. I know you are not asking for a perfect friend, but with you, I feel in debt for almost everything. I couldn't match what you have done for me. What I want to do for you might not even meet the standards.
I know, everyone has feelings. You don't really tell me all your feelings and I respect you privacy. Maybe its best that sometimes we don't indulge too much about our lives to ourselves. But with you, I can always talk freely. And sometimes, I do not know whether you like it or not. Sometimes you frown at me, and I pretend that maybe you like what I'm talking about. I don't even know if you like being my friend, beb. But one thing for you, I like being your friend, because you show me that there are many different types of friends. And no, I have never taken advantages of your kindness and goodwill. Everytime you do something good to/for me, in my mind, I always think how am I going to repay you. I sometimes belittle myself, because you are the bigger person in our friendship, and the person with a whole lots of BIGGER heart than me.
To tell you the honest truth, sometimes I don't think I fit to be your friend, because dealing with this emotional crisis I have been having daily is taking a toll on me, and putting you together in my situation always, always make me feel guilty because you have your own problems too. And I sometimes fail to think that you too are human. I don't ask about your life, maybe because you sometimes don't tell me and I don't know whether I should ask or not. Because I know you are not comfortable in telling people about your life. You have always been doing me favors, but where was I?
I'm sorry if I hurt you today. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I'm not worth it, not worth everything you have done for me. It comes to a point that I'm reflecting myself if I'm ever worth anyone's friend?
I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what else to say or to do. I just am sorry. I know that you will brush this aside and tell me that "Its oklah", but it's not okay, because it make me reflect what kind of a person am I. What kind of a friend I am.
So thank you for making me realise that life isn't just about me, but also about returning people's favor. Be it small or big. I am doing some reflecting now. No, please don't feel bad (if you are), I think you did the right thing.
I'm just so sorry, Amirah.. If there is anything that I can make it up to you, please tell me.........
But anyways, thank you. For being there. For the sacrifices you made. For everything. Because to me, what you did was all worth it. I appreciate it a lot, be it the small thing or big things you have done for me. Looking back, I've never done anything for you, but I've always been just the big disappointment to you..So wers all the talkings?
'ouch. to continue or not to continue. im feeling the heartache. be strong. be strong'.right now, i feel this 2009 has brought me kinda biggest n greatest downfall ever. such bad luck i have. but. u werent der? to tell u the truth, u were the most suited one to bring me up n alive again. but today, the moment u told me. u cnt juz b the one hu do the talkings, to make joke n that someone else will have to do the job, it juz got me wondered again. if a frend of urs needs sumone by their side the minute they were down, wld u still want them to do the job of 'making the jokes, start the talkin' n all?? i noe the risk of writin this down. i noe ur gonna b mad n watsmore ur gonna juz go all the way fighting for ur rights. i noe. i juz wan tell u to calm down. at this moment, i still can proudly say, im the cause of evrythink, im at fault, not urs. juz calm down n read further.
i still dunno y but im neutral now. no matter wat, ur still my frend even if u hate me alr. coz u were once der in my heart n im not the type of person hu juz forget a frend. i noe for fact now, that its not gonna b the same. coz it does show from ur msges. u werent lyk tat b4. u werent. n i noe in actually fact, i wasnt even welcome for the last outings. y am i so stupid as to stil go. i alr noe wats gonna happen. becoz, i do treasure u as a frend.
today, right now, life has change for me. JO woke me up yest night. she told me things that i nvr noe or that i didnt noticed. i was speechless thus, another night was gone for me. Why do i even have to make myself suffer for a mother whom i waited for lyk almost 20 years but still havent come to get me or even acknowledge me??
26th feb.
the day ive been waiting for for 3 years. bt juz dissappoint me. i let it all out by drinking. that night. that one fucking night. n one whole night, i was talking rubbish to ijah n jo in facebook. that got them pissed. n they didnt want to talk to me for lyk weeks.
i felt bloody miserable. really miserable. no matter how many words of 'sorry' i msged them, it juz didnt move them bit. i was so scared. scared of losing them. i was lyk 'wat hav i done?'
yest, i met jo. she spoke to me quite a lot. sort of a trashdown id say. but den it really got me thinkin. bout myself. i came to a lot of decision juz yest night. i cldnt slp evnthough jo wanted me to slp. but i juz cant. tossin around in bed.
Jo told me bout nadiah. I was soo touched by wat she did, said n all. again it hurts. it hurts to noe that someone really cares so much bout me. lyk on the day, i went out wit the LMGT girls, i juz walk off coz i cldnt stand the environment animore. bt havin not eaten for 2 days n not sleeping for 2 days juz make my whole system dead. i fell. all i cld c was blury images. i thought i was gonna b dead. but nah. im strong. nadiah came at bout 6 plus. rushin from her werkplace to esplanade. while me, i was sitting right in frnt of esplanade library. i cldnt evn stand up animore.
seeing nadiah panting when she came, juz so 'ouched' me. y? y are u so kind towards me? y cnt it b that person whom i thought it wld be? it juz so.. hurting.. as well as touching. u juz listen to my whole story. u juz look at me, givin me advice. n u heard me cry which i seldom do. or not at all. i was so lookin forward to letting it all out.
U also send out a msg to JO n Ijah. Evnthough u dun really noe them?? Why? or god! WHY??
the msg i forced her to pass me. after much explaination n all:
Regarding Our Dear Friend Amirah
Between JoLynn Koh and You
Nurulain Nadiah
February 27 at 5:31pm
Hey Dearest Jo and Ijah
I don't know who else to talk to about this. I think you two will be the best people for me to tell because you guys are close to Amirah. However, I don't know how to get to you guys directly and so, this is the only way to reach the both of you.
I'll be seeing her in a while right after I finish work today at 630 at esplanade. She already texted me saying she's already there because she left her friends who are mistreating her.
Back to her msg to me last night, she got the drunk the other day to forget her misery caused by her mom who break the promise to write her a letter. She waited very long for the day her mom promised to write her letter, but the mom never did.
I'm sad hearing it and I don't think I could handle it alone. I hope you guys understand. But please, I'm afraid she'll be furious that I told you guys this matter, so please just keep it from her. Maybe you can ask her what's her problem but don't tell her you know the real situation from me.
I hoped you guys would be here to help her get over her misery and hear her out. But it's okay cause it's very last minute. I'll make sure she's okay when she's with me later. Rest assured that I'll take care of her. I hoped that we could help her together. Because she told me how sad she is. How hurt and lost she is now.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Anything just text me @ 93200035.
Warmest Regards,
Nadiah
Thank you friends.
P.S: Please don't tell her anything regarding this msg. Jo also told me that if on that day, she noes wer i was drinkin at, she have come down n dragged me back home if she have to. U noe, this lil things juz make me feel belong. ive nvr felt a real parents attention. wer parents wld keep msging, calling me wen im not home. ask me wer im gg evryday. i nvr felt it b4. bt the way jo n ijah is treating me makes me feel so... haiz.. i dunno wats that words call. bt there're lyk my family. even nadiah.. so why am i doing all those foolish things?? how more further of my stupidity do i want to show?
im really wide awake now that i juz am willing to forgive evry sgl mistake anybody does. or watever ive done, i juz want to forget. i went out today wit a smile. for the ferst time after so long. n i went to werk wit a willingness to do my werk. sumtink inside me has change for sure. i noe. and im glad.
so. to end evrything, :
to u: no matter wat ur doing now, or wat ur feeling bout me, doesnt really concerns me animore. ive apologised to u a million times or so alr. n i dunno wat else to do. i noe u've also suffered alot. hanlding wit my attitude that's sucks to the core. my emotion. evrythink. its not easy.i juz dunno how much uve forgive me. bt it doesnt matter. im at fault so i deserves it wat. if ur gonna hate me, den its up to u. for ive alr clear up evrythink n i dun wish to feel bad animore. coz i believed both of us were in a wrg too. i admitted my part. its nice being ur frend. all the memories. all the joy we had will forever be wit me. juz in case, ur in trouble or any problems, i'll still be there for u if u need me to. i like being ur frend. i treasure u more than i treasure anyone else n its probably due to the times we shared tgt last time. how happy we used to be. i juz wish we cld be back lyk last time.
to nadiah: u juz bring me back to life. evnthough u dun say it but ur actions says it all. im thnkful to hav u by my side during the times i needed sumbody. really. from now on, im juz gonna treasure evry sgl day we spent tgt. u juz make me smile. thks beb. i really do appreciate it.
to jo n ijah: im sorry to have cause u unnecessary worries the other day. i noe i made a huge mistake in my life. i regret it so much. i cnt afford to lose u guys too. the rest, i'll speak to u personally.. i love u guyz!
Hey. The name is Amirah. They call me Amirah or Mira.
NURUL
MY BABY BRO!
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